Like the sands of an hourglass

Another update: I did this whole gimmick for T.O.’s press conference today.

Update: Owens done for year. Suspended for four games, then presumably Keyshawned. New deals for Westbrook, Akers. Eagles have no tight ends left. Reid curt, gruff, angry at press conference.

Back in 1999, the Eagles were really, really bad. They were 3-13 the year before, they had a new unknown coach in Andy Reid. Not only that, but people were listening to “Mambo No. 5.” And that wasn’t a song about Donovan McNabb.

At camp in August, starting offensive tackle George Hegamin was demoted by Reid in favor of rookie Doug Brzezinski. Hegamin, upset, left practice. He later returned. When asked if Hegamin would get any punishment, Reid grinned at reporters.

“Just be at practice tomorrow,” he said.

The next day at practice, Reid forced Hegamin to push a blocking sled the length of the field, right in front of the media. It lasted about five minutes.

At the time, Bill Conlin even wrote this:

* Of Hollywood’s three Captain William Blighs, which Master of the HMS Bounty does Andy Reid prefer? Is it the black-and-white Charles Laughton version, haughty, proud, cruel, paranoid and sadistic? How about thin-lipped, narrow-eyed Trevor Howard, cast opposite Marlon Brando’s foppish Fletcher Christian in the underwhelming 1962 remake?

What does that mean? Well, nothing, other than that Bill Conlin is the king of esoteric references. But the kicker of this whole thing is that Hegamin was later cut. (He signed with Tampa Bay.) Andy Reid gave him this whole big penance in front of everyone only to cut him later.

And how does this fit? Of course, you’ve guessed by now. Terrell Owens told to apologize to the media… but he’s suspended anyway. (And if the Eagles have T.O., they win last night, but that’s another story.) And now the Eagles are 4-4 — and they should be 2-6.

Yes, T.O. had problems with the team, including a fight with ambassador of fun Hugh Douglas, who’s so tough he couldn’t even make the team. And he was supposed to apologize to the team, and didn’t. Fine. Then get rid of him, suspend him, whatever. But don’t tell him to apologize to the media and then suspend him — it causes an unnecessary distraction.

Well, there’s my soapbox. Andy Reid’s press conference is about to start, and, after the jump, my minute-by-minute commentary…

3:00 - Eskin (a reader says it was actually the Cuz, I could have been wrong) says that Michael Lewis “is one of the offenders of those guys who think they’re stars but they aren’t!” Uhm, okay. Let’s hope this gets on TV soon so I can turn off the radio.

3:02 - More radio. Eskin — who’s had some pretty good scoops lately, actually — says they held the press conference back a few hours because… well who knows. He just rambled on for a few minutes. I guess he said they’ve made a decision about TO, which isn’t much of a scoop.

3:04 - We’re live! “Injuries…”

3:05 - And approximately 45 people are injured.

3:06 - Akers re-signed through 2010. Really? Westbrook also done through 2010. Reid then gets testy and yells at somebody to “Would you hold it down, please?” What is this, junior high?

3:07 - Reid is not going to take T.O. questions, but here is his statement on T.O.: He’s done. Four-game suspension. And he won’t return to the team after it. The union has filed a grievance. (This is why Andy can’t talk about it, he says.)

Reid says they gave Owens every chance to avoid this outcome.

3:08 - “Time’s yours.” First question about T.O. He won’t answer. Reid yells at that guy again! Who is it? Apparently he’s talking on the phone. Reid does say this was decided about a half hour ago.

3:09 - This is the worst press conference ever. Andy is just responding to questions with “No.” He’s said “no” about 15 times so far. Andy: “I don’t want to get into the T.O. situation here. I know this disappoints you greatly.” Hey, he’s smart, at least.

3:10 - “I’m not going to get into all that.”

3:11 - “I believe that this is a team sport.” When is somebody going to at least break it up and ask about his playcalling last night on the final few plays? Andy says “I thought it was a little better atmosphere” without T.O.

3:12 - “Coach, how about a quote?” “Join the team! Sign up with L.A. Weight Loss today!” Oh, sorry, that, uhm, didn’t happen.

3:13 - “There’s some young guys out there who can make some plays.” Reid says the reporters are throwing him every curveball they can. “We will see as we go forward.” L.J. Smith could be out for more than a week.

3:14 - “I can get into all that.” “We’re taking a step in the right direction.” “I won’t answer that.” And now a cell phone goes off! Reid says this is still a Super Bowl team.

3:15 - Reid gets testy and waddles off.

3:16 - Now Derrick Gunn is interviewing Daily News writer Les Bowen. Gunn says the players signed off on the T.O. suspension. Bowen says last night, talking to players, they were split kind of 50-50 on whether the Eagles were better off without Owens.

3:17 - On a side note, the Eagles don’t have any tight ends right now. Chad Lewis, you around? Jeff Thomason?

3:18 - We’ll end with this: “Right now this doesn’t look like a Super Bowl team. Nobody’s going to say that.” Well, except you, Les, since you just said it.

3:22 - Okay, one more. This infomercial after the press conference is great. “Now, I have a dog who has trouble getting up the stairs. Will this work for him?”